Horoscopes

Aries March 21 - April 20 You will wake up and realize you are and have been, a tool all along.

Taurus April 21 – May 21 Dream weavers will haunt your every moooo-ve. We’re not sure why they’re cows.

Gemini May 22 - June 21 Dude, you walked all the way across town for that? Better luck next week.

Cancer June 22 - July 23 Devils advocates attract you, too bad most of them are just going to be playing with your mind.

Leo    July 24 - August 23 Love hurts. Always. And you’re still living on a prayer, the gutter is your friend next week.

Virgo    August 24 - September 23 Those who pester you may have something to hide. Time may help to better understand. Patience is key.

Libra  September 24 - October 23 Selling out is your style, especially if it gets you laid.

Scorpio October 24 - November 22 File your taxes early, before they charge you with embezzlement.

Sagittarius November 23 - December 21 You will become the new psychick for the Quill. Really, we’re bored of writing these.

Capricorn    December 22 - January 20 You will smell, of cheese, in the future. You kind of suck like that.

Aquarius    January 21 - February 19 Fill your void of a heart with some tuna, feelings are fishy fishy business. PS. Don’t trust they guy below you.

Pisces    February 20 - March 20 Limits are stupid. Life is too short to make them apply to you. The future is all about being out of the box, or in it if you happen to be straight.