So, it’s the week of Halloween, folks! I bet y’all are just as excited as I am! I just can’t wait to throw on my wig, glue on the nails, powder on a little blush, and pull on this skin tight leather… never mind. AhemMoving on.
Really though, it is Halloween. And while there are many of you that are way too excited to get completely hammered during what is literally the middle of the week, some of us are much less enthusiastic. I mean, we all know that life can be hard when you have to budget for an entire term’s worth of courses, food, living expenses, school supplies, and enough alcohol to take down an entire elephant family. When it comes to days like Halloween, it may seem so much easier to just turn a blind eye, stay home, and pretend to study while you really just watch You-Tube videos all day. I mean, who has enough money for a costume, let alone the creativity and enough expendable items in one’s wardrobe to make one?
Fear not, oh hard-working student! Here in this golden little article, I shall bestow upon you the secrets of costumes so easy to come by, you’ll feel like you’ve been wearing them already.
The bag-dress: Oh aren’t you clever! Your friends will think you to be quite humorous and fun-loving in this quirky ensemble! “OMG!” they will all screech. “That is so awesome, I wish I had thought of that!” You’ll look like the life of the party, but like you also don’t take Halloween all that seriously. You just threw on these bags that, like, you just had, like, lying around! If you were a girl, you threw on some totally rank lipstick. If you were a guy, you messed up your hear and cut holes around your midsection to highlight your six pack (or ironically highlight the lack there of). Yes, you will be so funny to look at so long as all this manages to make it through the night and remain on your body and not catch and tear on all the tables you pass. Little does anyone know you secretly had this as a backup plan the whole week before, while making lame efforts to find something or anything to wear that was an actual costume. Yes, clever you.
The mooching friend: The most cost-saving way to get that that ball in style: stealing Cinderella’s dress. Yes, that’s right. But it’s not like you’re stealing or anything. It’s just that you’re a really good friend, and they’re your best friend, and you would really do anything if they asked you to (NOT, just kidding! lolz). Basically, you’ll be wearing, half, if not more, of your BFF’s costume. You’ll probably both look a little half-baked, and pretty strange. Why is she wearing the make up and tiara while you’re wearing the dress? Why are you only wearing one glove? Is that a donkey head? What was this costume supposed to be in the first place? But the important part is that you look somewhat like you belong, and now have that special person whose name you’ll forget five years down the road to share the party with.
The one who’s trying too hard: Congrats, you have money. Well – maybe your parents do, that’s how the bills and groceries get paid, right? Aw, ok, pretend you’re independent, that’s cute. You really did hit the jackpot though. You found the fangs, the blood, the fur, or big glittery heels you wanted and now you look amazing. Your friends will be jealous, you may even win a costume party prize, and you’ll certainly look like a boss in all those pictures. Just remember this when you spend the entire night protecting your overly expensive suit of one-time-only armor like it was your only child.
The binder-full-of-women: You’re creative, you’re witty, and you’re smart. Hence this little number. Not just this reference from the latest chronicle of the debates, but any online meme, sitcom, or political happenings reference will do. Sure, only 50% (I’m being nice, more like 20%) of the people you see will know what this random inside joke you’re making means. But much like the whiny and emotionally charged face book statuses go, the people that are really your friends will understand, like and repost.
The sensibilities-to-the-wind approach: Pamela Anderson, look out! Boy or girl, you look hot. You’ve been working out all last month because it all leads to this! You are the sex bomb! Boys, you’ve got the abs, sunglasses, and barely anything else. Girls, you’ve got the styled hair, big pouty lips, skimpy underwear, and thighs that could crack Mike Tyson’s forearm in half. All you need is a group of plainer-looking friends, whose photos you will ruin by either poking your chest right into the lens or jumping in front and flexing your bicep, and you’re good to go. What are you supposed to be again? Um, duh! You’re Adam, because you glued a paper leaf to your underwear! Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you can’t look good too. Just make to yell and cuss at people that stare at you for longer than fifty seconds, and to call them a pervert really loudly. Those jerks are gross, and like, you’re just trying to have fun for a night. Who are they to judge you?
The trying-not-at-all; You just want to have fun. You don’t have much money to spend, other than drinking money, and you want to go out. Who cares if you don’t dress up? I bet there’s going to be, like, a million people out there who did the same as you. Calm down people, Halloween is for kids. Just go in your best party shirt and shoes, and you’ll be fine. Maybe when you’re there, you can not dance, not smile, not play any fun games, and not look like you belong in any group photos! You may even be mistaken for a staff member and, if you’re really lucky, get handed a tray to clean tables with. Sounds like fun, right? You could even take some fun pictures of your own with a cheesy grin as you point at all your friends that could actually bother to give it a go. Look, maybe you won’t look the best, but you’ll definitely be the coolest person at that party. Trying is for chumps.
So there you are; some great outfits worthy of the best gritty reality/ horror movies in Hollywood you’ve ever seen. I really do implore you to get dressed up and go out. You did just finish midterms, right? So get out there and take the next few days off, champ. It’ll be fun, trust me. Though if you do try any of the above suggestions, stay away from mirrors, I hear the unforgiving truth hurts just a little bit.