(This article was written for The Quill’s April Fool’s Day edition, The Swill, and is therefore entirely fictitious in its content.)
With the many successes spread over every faculty this year, not to mention the celebration of the end of a perfect scholastic year, it can be hard to appreciate some of the highs Brandon University has experienced this year. We at the Swill feel it is our job to survey the past eight months and remind you, our faithful readers, of our successes as a school.
One such area deserving of notice was none other than our nominees from the drama faculty’s attendance at the 2013 Oscars. The stars were certainly shining just over a month ago, as the elite took center stage to claim their prizes. This year, the ceremony was in its eighty-fifth year of honoring actors, but it reached the zenith of its excellence this year, as Brandon University finally allowed the show to take place on campus grounds.
“It’s just so exciting to finally be here; I applied, but didn’t quite make the cut,” says Hugh Jackman of Les Misérables fame. “Hopefully, my recent nomination will look good on my transcript when I apply again later this year.” The actor is alleged to have been seen chaining himself to the BU bobcat statue and refusing to leave the campus grounds. No judgment here: no one ever wants to leave BU!
It was certainly an honor for Hollywood’s best and brightest to step foot on the grounds of a nationally-acclaimed campus of excellence. Of course, Brandon had its own stars capturing the spotlight this year, as members of Brandon University’s drama department received numerous honors in this year’s events. Such honors included nominations for Most Polite Actor, Fastest Delivery of Coffee to Rest of Cast-mates, Best Actor Double, and Nicest-Looking Pair of Pants on Set. Further than these extremely flattering nominations, though, were two wins.
“I was really surprised when I was nominated – and then I won!” says Brittany Phillips, who took home the top prize for Best Extra in a Motion Picture. “I was just happy to really get to work on a juicy part like this.” The nineteen-year-old actor was not expecting to receive the honor, but does agree she definitely earned it. “I worked really hard on it, you know? Really put a piece of Brittany in there,” she says. “I mean, when I played the woman ordering a coffee in Argo, I really put my heart and soul into that role, I became a different person; I was this powerful woman who needed that coffee in order to provide nutrition for her starving family. I also really switched it up: I didn’t just order coffee. Sometimes I ordered a sandwich, or a soy steamer with cinnamon. They said those takes were too daring, but I felt it was necessary to try, just to really get my story across in the two minutes I was featured.”
Alas, it was not all fun and games: Phillips said receiving the award also represented the survival of some harsh on-set drama. “[name withheld by request, suffice to say someone terribly famous] actually asked for my hand in marriage because he thought I was the best and most beautiful actor he had ever seen,” she relates. “I’m a strong woman and I have a lots of goals ahead of me before I settle down, so I had to decline. He was unfortunately very immature about it, but that’s the men of show business for you!”
Nationally-acclaimed newspaper editor Emily Diehl also walked away with a prize for Most Enthusiasm on Set. “I just went in there and smiled and sang,” Diehl says of her award for her outgoing personality during her work on Les Mis. “I just sang all the time, even when I wasn’t supposed to: I did just so they knew how much I wanted this!” This award is not Diehl’s first in the world of film: the starlet also received honors last year for Best Headshot as well as a nomination for Highest Soprano. “The key to getting this much recognition and success comes from showcasing your art as often as possible,” she added. “I sing all the time! While cooking, in the shower, while driving— even while ordering food! It’s called commitment, and I’ve got it.” The actress’s interview was, unsurprisingly, done in song.
“It’s so great we finally allowed the rest of the world onto our exclusive campus,” says Phillips. “I’m really glad we can share our support for the film community and show what we can contribute while doing it!”
This marks the first and only time that the awards ceremony will be held at BU, as there have been reports of actors breaking into classrooms and attempting to steal memorabilia, including a whiteboard.
“I guess the world just isn’t ready for the greatness that is BU,” Ryan Gosling commented on the allegations, before asking this particular Swill reporter for an autograph. “Maybe someday, but that day is not today.” Gosling received the honor of Best Actor this year, in spite of not having received any nominations.
It was truly a festival of ups, downs, and everything in between. The Swill would like to congratulate all the winners and those nominated at this year’s Oscars, and offer good luck to everyone vying for next year’s statuettes. Make sure to stay tuned for next week’s article, where we will be examining speculations about whether or not the viewing ratings for next year’s Oscars will drop, as the prestigious awards will be returning to the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, California.
Republished from The Swill print edition, Volume 103, Issue 27, April 2, 2013.