Q-Mail: An Astronomical Screw-Up

Dear Quintilius,

I am in an astronomy class where the prof informed us that the Earth revolves around the Sun, but that can’t be right, right, can it? Everything must revolve around the Earth so we can have night and day, how else could the moon and sun pass by in circular patterns?

Sincerely, Earth Is The Center


Dear Astronomical Screw-Up,

You would be correct in your observation that everything must revolve around the Earth, but your theory is a little messed up. If you assume the sun is a gaseous ball and not my cousin Janus, you would be incorrect. If you thought everything revolved around the Earth because of some type of gravitational pull, you’d be wrong again.

The answer is quite simple: the sun rotates around the Earth because everything revolves around Rome. Yeah, that’s right kids, this is the secret your parents never wanted you to know. Rome is the center of the universe. It always has been and always will be.

Ask yourself this: why don’t people fall off the earth? Is it due to gravity? The Earth being flat? Our species’ love of Nutella? No, no, no, and an extra one for good measure: no. People don’t fall off the earth because they’re too busy falling in love... with Rome.

Oh, sorry, where else in history has created a longer lasting empire? Where else has such a rich culture that it influenced every major empire after? Oh, that’s right. No where.

Rome is both Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. Rome is that friend who won’t complain about getting friend-zoned because they value your friendship, and that perfectly balanced ratio of peanut butter and jam on a sandwich.

All Salute The Eternal City,

Qunitilius of Rome