Happy Craft Corner of the Apocalypse

(Credit: Ida Myrvold/Flickr under CC-BY 2.0)

Now that the apocalypse is upon us, the rules are out the window. Whether you need to protect yourself from irradiated surface-walkers or traditional zombies, or you just want to settle a score with an enemy now that the laws don’t matter, you’ll need an effective weapon. Some households will be more prepared than others, of course, and the need for DIY won’t be as strong for everyone.

Since my household doesn’t have anything as convenient as a semi-automatic shotgun or even a machete, I’ll need to get creative. The first and most obvious DIY weapon is a small, somewhat dull hatchet we use for firewood when camping. By no means is it long range, and it probably isn’t going to be very effective because I have neither the means nor skill to sharpen it, but it’s better than nothing. This isn’t necessarily a “DIY” on its own, but once you start doing at-home upgrades – taping knives to it, for example – you can make it as deadly as you want.

Another potential weapon found in my house is a bag of bowling balls. This isn’t convenient for going out to seek revenge: they’re very heavy and cumbersome. The best use for these is in a series of traps. Turn your house into a giant game of Mouse Trap, only deadlier!

Now, when I went through my house looking for more weapons, I found a lot of nothing. I am truly screwed, friends, and this may be my last missive. As a last-ditch effort, I’ve dismantled the standing lamp in my living room and duct-taped four long knives to one end. It gives more reach and prime stabbing potential in the event of a duel to the death with that enemy previously mentioned, or just when encountering monsters on a casual walk outdoors to the nearest mall – it’s not open anymore, but there’s still some stuff to loot probably.

Finally, as a preventative measure, spread Lego in front of all doors and windows. Any unsuspecting interloper will be incapacitated by the pain of stepping on it, giving you time to either flee or get the advantage on them. If you don’t have Lego at hand, either loot the mall or make due with other small, sharp objects. Those hair clips that look like claws are a good substitute, as are shards of broken glass.

Happy hunting, fellow survivors! And remember that in a pinch, fire kills all.

Republished from The Swill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 27, March 28, 2017.