Epic First Dates

Welcome to an experience like no other. In these next few paragraphs we are going to look at some fundamental romantic stories of history. Together we will study them and learn the lessons they have to teach.

Today we are going to be focusing on first dates and  the beginning a blossoming relationship. Before you the reader actually get out there to ask someone on a date you need to study the art of dating. First dates are not something to be trifled with.

Well, let’s see, where do we want to start in first dates? Oh, I know, how about in the Garden of Eden? That’s right, we are going to look at the creation of mankind and assess for ourselves just what Adam  and Eve did wrong and right.

First of all, Adam was not prepared for his first date. He had not even heard of this woman or what a woman was before meeting her. Tough go, people always have an idea of who the person is before meeting them! Second thing, Adam showed up naked, that’s right. Naked. Risky, but a bold move, definitely unable to hide if he was interested in her or not. The lesson here: play it safe, wear clothing. Third and final point I want to make here (we will end on a positive note) they got to name all the creatures of the world. What a great idea and wonderfully thoughtful first date. All in all we will score Adam and Eve at a 3/10 for you know the “Fall of Mankind.” Solid first date but come on guys seriously, there was a whole garden.

Next we are going to look at Paris and Helen of Troy. Well I guess the first piece of advice here is to never get involved with deity business. If someone, especially a goddess, asks you to judge their level of beauty, run. Do not compare them to anything especially if it is a competition and they want to be compared to each-other. It is a lose-lose situation. Sure you get the woman of your dreams but sometimes you bring about one of the greatest wars in Grecian history. Second, if you’re married, especially to a king, do not try to go on a first date with someone else. And if that first date brings you all the way across the Aegean Sea there should be at least one or two red flags or sirens going off. Like don’t get me wrong ladies, go forth and SLAY, but realize war always makes more widows than lovers. Finally lets take a moment to appreciate Paris and Helen. First date, you steal her from her own kingdom. Start a war across the entire Hellenic world. And you end up killing one of the greatest hero’s in history by shooting him in the heel?! Well if that ain’t commitment, I do not know what is. The advice here is stay committed and work it out  after you’ve made a decision, but also practice archery. The couple still only get a 3/10, largely for dragging Odysseus away from Penelope but also killing Brad Pitt.

The final couple we will look at is Romeo and Juliet. First of all, do not fall in love with long time rivals or feuding family’s unless it’s (you guessed it) Family Feud. Second, you met at her family’s feast. Then you trespassed onto her property. You saw her once. People the lesson here is do not fall in love with someone you have seen once. Do not profess your love or try to get them to kiss you. Also thirteen isn’t exactly the age when one knows what love is. Finally, do not pretend to die, do not murder yourself by kissing poisoned dead people lips and then do not stab yourself after previously faking your own death. It’s not that complicated or hard to do. Again 3/10, just slow things down. Literally be patient, wait like an extra thirty seconds and ask yourself “Will there be consequences for this?”