Rhino Party: Satire Meets Politics
Not many political parties can catch my attention. I am a pretty simple human being, I see things which I consider cool, productive, for the betterment of mankind and I go “Wow those ideas sure are efficient.” Then when I see things are which I consider dumb, unproductive or down right disrespectful I say “Wow those ideas sure could be more inclusive.” As far as political parties I am usually left shaking my head both ways as I walk in to the traffic which is the political arena.
There are many things I do not think need to be politicized but when it comes to satire? Well that may be my favourite type of politics. One group who I think are brilliant Canadian leaders in this field include the members of the Rhino Party. Parti Rhinoceros is a satirical political party which I think holds up its beliefs about as well as any other party. Oh, you’re curious what some of their platform promises are? Here let me inform you and help you get woke.
The Rhino Party would like to take Canada off of the gold standard, instead opting for a currency that better benefits Canada. We would instead use the snow standard to boost the economy. Next the Party has a law it would like to see repealed which weighs people down. With the law of gravity repealed everyone everywhere would be more free and the only thing that would hold them down would be what they could tie to the earth.
However if you thought the Rhino Party was just all puns and wordplay you would be sorely mistaken, they have serious goals too! For example, they would like to provide a higher education for students and also want to end crime. To achieve their education goals schools must simply need to be built taller and all laws need to be abolished.
The Rhino Party would really change up the political and geographical landscape if they had their way. They would the Rockies torn down so that Alberta can see the Pacific sun set and pave the Bay of Fundy to make parking more available for the maritimes. In Quebec they would abolish lawn mowing in Outremont and change rue Ste-Catherine into the worlds longest bowling alley.
Finally the Rhino Party also has plans for the democratic government and changes to make so that it would be more efficient. These include reforming Loto-Canada so they replace cash prizes with Senate appointments and have the Queen seated in Buckingham Quebec instead of that old dusty town of London.
With goals and plans like these its incredible that this party is not still around in a much greater force. The Rhinoceros are definitely the way to go when it comes to reshaping the Canadian dream. Please all help make Canada Great Again, one bad joke at a time.
Quintilius
Dear Quintilius,
Why do Manitoban’s call the public holiday “Louis Riel Day” opposed from Ontarian’s who call it “Family Day”?
Sincerely, Traitor’s Over Family?
Dear Easterner,
Louis Riel Day is an established day in Manitoba that represents the interdependent relationship that Manitoba has with the rest of Canada. Manitoba is a crucial piece of the diverse puzzle of Canada and an entity capable of making its own crucial developments on grand scales. Manitoba was the first province of the west and it seems proper that it is defined in subtle differences across language and traditions.
Ontarian’s, synonymous with fools, have this funny way of making everything about them. “Why would anyone change the name of Family Day? Do those backwards Manitobans not understand the value of family?” The province of Manitoba understands the need for diversity in challenging times, the idea that everything need not conform perfectly and that some ideals are worth fighting for.
The holiday did not even originate in Ontario! Alberta was the first to introduce the holiday and all the other provinces just jumped aboard with their own versions. Some kept the name, some found something more significant. You know what else Manitoba has that is different from Ontario? Socials for partying, Churchill for exploring the great north, the Canadian Museum for Human Rights and a legendary bear named after its provincial capital!
Manitoba chose the name Louis Riel Day over the others because it was created by people who had a right to choose, to be pushed around or to defend its inhabitants cultures and ways of life. Louis Riel continues providing a meaningful vision and creating a historically respectful path for the future.
All Salute The Eternal City,
Quinitilius of Rome
BUSU Election: What Your Money Gets You
The Brandon University Student Union election is quickly approaching. On March 1st and 2nd, students across campus will cast their ballot for who they want to represent them in BUSU executive and council positions. But what does BUSU actually do? Why should students take time out of their busy schedule to vote in the student union elections? Throughout the majority of your high school journey, and perhaps even before, you were most likely told how important voting is and how you should cherish the right to vote as many others across the world do not get that opportunity. Indeed, as not too long ago even various groups of people in Canada did not have the right to vote. Voting in the BUSU election is no different, and given the amount of services and programs BUSU has for students, it’s well worth your while to analyze and decide who you think should run and oversee those programs.
In truth, BUSU provides a variety of services, many of them covered in your initial tuition fee payment. One of the most important services that they manage for students is the student health and dental plan. Every year students pay approximately $250.00 and in return get coverage for things like vision care, dental care and prescription drugs. Many students do not have other health insurance coverage, making this plan even more valuable for some. You never know when you could get an infection and require antibiotics or get a toothache and require dental work. Although BUSU executives and staff are the ones that oversee the opt in and opt out process for the health and dental program, the actual insurance is through StudentVIP, part of C&C Insurance. Another service that BUSU provides to students in exchange for their fees is the U-Pass program. This program is in cooperation with the City of Brandon and Brandon Transit and has been in operation since 2011. It provides students with an annual, unlimited transit pass, that allows them to get around all across the city. The best part is that the U-Pass is extremely cheap, only costing a total of $19.00. This service like the health and dental insurance plan, can prove to be invaluable to students. Even for students who possess a car, it never hurts to have a backup plan, especially if it costs less than $20.00.
Did you now that as a student of Brandon University you’re entitled to various discounts around Brandon? That is because of the Paw Pass program that BUSU manages. The Paw Pass program enables students to receive discounts between 10-50% at over 40 businesses across Brandon and neighbouring communities. Some of the major discounts include 40% off at Domino's pizza and 20% off at MedSafe Pharmacy. All that students have to do in order to cash in on these discounts is to get a Paw Pass sticker on the back of their student cars. These stickers can be picked up at the BUSU office. Another important, yet confidential service, offered by BUSU is the BUSU Food Bank. Every Friday from 1:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. on the third floor of the Knowles-Douglas Building BUSU operates a food bank for all Brandon University students to use. The BUSU Food Bank distributes well-rounded, meal supplement food hampers, which has items that cover all four major food groups. The food hamper includes products like bread, milk, eggs and non-perishable food items. If students cannot pick up food hampers during the regular hours of the BUSU Food Bank, then other arrangements can be made by stopping in at the BUSU office on the first floor of the Knowles-Douglas Building.
These services are just a fraction of what BUSU provides to students in exchange for the large chunk of cash they get at the beginning of the school year. Programs like the health and dental plan and the Paw Pass provide benefits to students throughout the school year. Although some of these programs have a large up-front cost, many of them prove their value overtime. Therefore, it is instrumental that students exercise their right to vote in this BUSU election. You have the opportunity to decide who will be overseeing these programs and services. Make good on those high school promises and vote!
Executive
President - Olusola Akintola
Vice-President Internal (contested) - Whitney Hodgins
Vice-President Internal (contested) - Tyler Mackenzie Kilbride
Vice-President External - April Li
Directors/Senators
Indigenous People's Director - Valerie Sandy
Graduate Studies Director (contested) - Shumaila Qurashi
Graduate Studies Director (contested) - Natashalee Thompson
Music Director - Katherine Charles
Part-Time & Mature Students Director - Abosede Janet Akintola
Arts Director - Uzoma Duru
Health Studies Director - Ken Neufeld
Women's Director - Fatima Abdullahi
International Students Director (contested) - Tanya Fletchman
International Students Director (contested) - Dooshinee Indurjeek
Student at Large Senator* - Brittany Rigby
Student at Large Senator* - Denise Henry
Arts Senator - Rachel Shurvell
*There are two Student at Large positions in the Senate and so these are
not contested campaigns
Anti-Valentines Day
Love is a disease
it starts with a carrier
unaffected by the pathogen
it knowingly spreads
Love is extremely contagious
so much as a single look
is often enough to infect
The carrier finds a victim
unaware of the danger
as eyes meet, hearts palpitate
spreading the venom quicker
Pheromones flood logic centres
neurotoxins inducing insanity
the jade wasp walks its prey
towards the regrettably chill flicks of net
That compel roaches to walk off cliffs
carrying flowers and chocolates
seeking a rainbow bridge of hope
finding no more than pretty-coloured moisture
Nurturing parasitic demon babies that burst out of a scooped clean chest
a dine and dash leaving their guest
to pay the unsettled romance cheque
and the hotel room? left a wreck
Befouled by graffiti on room walls written
in what smells like Odin's urine
Roses come in more hues than red
Violets are violet not blue
There's more to romance than what's said
On some card conveying love to you
I Love You Queerly
Valentine’s Day. The perfect evening to spend alone. Or not! Looking for a less lonely way to spend the day, whether single or ready to awkwardly make small talk and mingle? Brandon Pride has an event going on that’s worth considering. “I Love You Queerly” is being hosted by Brandon Pride and Lady of the Lake Shop Café and Pub. The event will be taking place down at, you guessed it, Lady of the Lake. It’s a licensed event starting at 6:00p.m. and goes till 9:00p.m., it’s all ages and an accessible space with Gender Neutral washrooms on site!Overall sounds like a pretty classy way to spend Valentine’s Day, though if you’d rather plot out what store’s clearance chocolate you’re going to grab first that’s valid too.
It’s a free to attend event, though if you’re worried about seating calling ahead and making a reservation with Lady of the Lake is an option. Along with being free to attend there will be free nachos provided by Pride, with board and card games for entertainment. Lady of the Lake is located down across the 18th street bridge at 135 13th Street North and their café phone number is: 204-726-8785.
Brandon Pride FB Page
Quintilius
Dear Quintilius,
I am looking for routines to help with my mental health, what are your top suggestions?
Sincerely, Let’s Talk
Dear Mental Health,
To prepare for the war going on inside your head I would suggest gathering your tool kit first. Make a list of what makes you happy, what objects that you can have on hand, who you can talk to, and what are your favourite things to watch or read. You are also going to need to know what may set you off or be a trigger for the battle in your head to kick off. Is it a saying, task, person or place you could avoid or at least minimize? This first step is taking stock of the situation.
After you’ve made several considerations, it’s time to write down a plan. Plan from the moment you are going to bed tonight backwards to the very morning you are writing this. You are going to need to visualize your whole day and plan how you are going to face each struggle. For example: when you run into stressor ‘A’ early in the morning, what tools from your toolkit can you use to get away from the stress or lessen it. At stressor ‘B’ is there a better tool you can use to solve this problem.
Maybe your tool is just for waiting the stressor out. Say you have a bad class that brings you to the breaking point. You can’t skip it, these are the classes you are taking to work towards getting a job in something that you love (plus you paid like $350 to sit in this place). You may need something to get you through the class like a pen, quarter, fidget cube etc. whatever you can play with that will allow you to both semi-relax and stay engaged. Each stressor may have its own unique tool and don’t be afraid to carry different tools or techniques around with you.
In down times make your plans and prepare your tools. The more you sweat or practice in times of peace, the less you will bleed or suffer in times of war.
All Salute The Eternal City,
Quinitilius of Rome
Lord of the Rings Meets Mad Max? A Comic Review of Coda
Sometimes a comic surprises you. You pick up a series and begin to journey through the story, certain you know exactly what kind of narrative you are reading. You look at the cover, maybe you even read a review, and you convince yourself that the series you hold in your hands contains the same tropes and plot holes that you’ve sunk into so many times before.
When I picked up Coda, a comic published by rising star BOOM! Studios, I was sure I had seen the series a million times before. Touted as Lord of the Rings meets Mad Max, Coda was supposed to be a series set in a post-apocalyptic fantasy realm where the dark lord won and the world, once filled with magic, was left to pick up the pieces. The story was supposed to follow a poetic bard named Hum as he struggled to survive while searching through the rubble of his once familiar life, desperately looking for the woman he loves. Coda was supposed to be wildly over the top, deeply rooted in the history of the fantasy genre, and provide “no-holds-barred” entertainment. But I was lied to. Coda isn’t just all of those things; instead, Coda is so far beyond the expectations I built up around it that it is something else entirely.
Maybe the first sign Coda was different was when the foul-mouthed unicorn with a predilection for murder showed up; or maybe it was the face-melting art by Uruguayan artist Matías Bergara; or maybe it was the heart-wrenching story by Simon Spurrier, a story of a man trying desperately to hold on to what he loves. Either way, somewhere along the line, Coda transformed. It changed from an over-done tale of post-apocalyptic wasteland into a hulking war-beast that asks whether or not you can truly love something if you also want to change it.
Coda surprised me. Everything from the sugar-coated blood bath of a colour palette to the deeply self-reflective narrative was fresh and unexpected. Coda is one of the rare instances where a comic is exactly what it says it is and everything that you didn’t think it could be.
Chess Puzzle No. 3
Black to Play
From A. Dreev v. E. Hansen
Pro Chess League (2018)
“Lose now and gain later.”
Answer:
26…Rf8
28. Qxc4 Rxf2+
(if 28. Qxf8 white is just down a queen for the remainder of the game, thus losing)
29. Kh3 Rxh2+
30. Kg4 Nxc4
31. Rh1 (any other move will get white checkmated quickly)
31… Rxh1
32. Rxh1 Nxa3
33. Ra1 Nc4
Quintilius
Quintilius
Dear Quintilius,
What is the fastest way to lose weight?
Sincerely, Freshmen 15
Dear Fresher,
Be very careful what you ask for because the fastest ways to lose weight are not always the healthiest ways to lose weight. Some ways you may lose weight one month, then gain it right back in the next. Some techniques you can work hard at but turn out little to no results.
The best method to lose weight is quite frankly watching what you eat. I don’t simply mean watching it as it slides down your gullet, I mean keeping in mind the types of food and the quantities you are consuming. Sometimes we get carried away with our eating habits. Sometimes we focus on the taste of the food instead of looking for its nutritious value.
In order for to properly watch your caloric intake try to keep track of all the food you consume in a food journal or on a counting calories app. These are some highly effective methods for those who are motivated and are meticulous loggers of information. The key is being consistent with it and remembering to do it everytime you eat or drink. This can be really difficult for some people on the road or people who are always on the go. You could try to remember and log all your calroies at the end of the day, but in reality after you go home or start to relax you may completely forget about it. If you can find a time to be consistent with this method I’d recommend you do it. However eating less and more nutritious will help you lose weight but feeling better will require some exercise.
The best exercise is to find something physical that you love doing. This will atleast keep you in shape and keep your body strong. Floor hockey, volleyball, tennis, whatever keeps you entertained because when you’re doing something you like it will hardly feel like work a workout.
All Salute The Eternal City,
Quinitilius of Rome
Problem No. 1 - From The Game
White to play
Answer:
1. Rxg7+! Kh8
(If you played 2. Rg3+ you had the right idea, but too early, after 2… f6 black avoids checkmate and has a winning endgame)
2. Rxf7+ Kg8
(One of Mikhail Tal’s principles to attacking: Destroy the fortress walls!)
3. Rg7+ Kh8
4. Rg3+ Nd4
5. Bxd4+ Rf6
6. Bxf6#
The Lovecraft Compendium
Imagine walking along the beach and looking upon a being beyond comprehension. A being that has been around for many millennia. One of these “ancient ones” is Cthulhu. Arguably the most popular of the Cthulhu Mythos.
H.P. Lovecraft, a writer considered one of the most important writers of the 20th century, gave birth to a genre of fiction known as “weird horror”. His most popular stories are those of the mythical, or ancient Cthulhu. An ancient being with parts of an octopus, dragon, and human caricature.
The main idea in the Cthulhu Mythos is what makes these stories stand out. The idea is in fact so powerful that it is almost impossible to eliminate. After all, strong ideas are immortal. One can try and commit mass genocide, or destroy all art in the world, but it will never be enough to fully eradicate the world of an idea, or to quote “ideas are bulletproof”-V.
So, what is the idea in the Lovecraft stories that stands out like a leaf on the wind? The main idea is that, if anyone looks upon Cthulhu, they will go completely insane and delirious within a couple days mainly because they cannot comprehend the fact that such beings have been around for several millennia without ever being mentioned. Or if anyone learns anything about them, they will instantly become a target of Cthulhu and the Cthulhu cult.
This idea makes it such that it is impossible to prove that such a thing is not real, but at the same time it also makes it difficult to prove such a being exists at all. It can make one wonder, how do we know there is not some text or book out there that when read, the reader will go completely insane? Or another example would be the “shadow test” from Doctor Who. People who did the “shadow test” killed themselves soon after because they could not accept the truth it contained.
What probably makes the Lovecraft horror stories a contender for the great literature class of books, is the fact that Cthulhu is the symbolization or manifestation of something that every life-form is afraid of. The fear of the unknown or incomprehensible. Almost every fear that someone has is the resulting fact, that the thing that is feared is something one does not understand. We fear what we don’t know. Will you go insane reading about Cthulhu?
“An idea is like a virus. Resilient. Highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.”- Dom Cobb.
The Major Flaw With Long Night Against Procrastination
On November 21st, the university library was open until 3:00 a.m. We all know procrastination can be a bad thing, but sometimes it can be a superpower, so the idea of being in opposition to procrastination is fine. You might be wondering then, “what is the problem then?”, the answer to this is often greatly overlooked by not just students, it is overlooked by almost everyone! What I am talking about is sleep.
Sleep is by far the most important thing next to eating and drinking water. It is a common misconception that getting less than seven hours of sleep will not have harmful effects on your mind and body. The research on sleep deprivation has found that lack of sleep can: decrease hormone levels needed for your immune system to function properly, increase the level of cortisol, a stress hormone, which negatively affects learning and memory, increase the number of car accidents because people fall asleep at the wheel, negatively affect concentration and focus, weaken cancer-fighting immune cells and age you quicker.
That is clearly a long list of negative things just from not getting at least more the seven hours of sleep. Perhaps, you might ask why do we sleep? When we sleep, our brain tissues get restored and repaired, having proper amounts of sleep allow neurons to repair themselves, but by far one of the main reasons why we sleep, is because it helps us remember and improves our problem-solving abilities. When we sleep the brain restores and rebuilds our memories of our day’s experiences. I am sure all of us have heard the saying “sleep on it”, that is not a cheap cliché. When Dimitri Mendeleev was trying to figure out the pattern of the elements and arrange the elements in a meaningful way, he would stay up for hours on end searching for the pattern. When he finally fell asleep, he dreamt of a table of elements, and when he awoke, he solved the problem. Another example is Kukele’s Benzene ring, Auguste Kukele was trying to come up the structure for Benzene, when he fell asleep in his chair, he dreamt he saw a snake eating its own tail. This is where he got the idea of the closed ring.
Conclusively, it is far more efficient, and effective to get proper amounts of sleep rather than study most of the night. You should try to aim for at least 8 hours of sleep every night, that way your mind and body have time to repair and rebuild.
Here are some sleep tips to help you out: 1. Keep the room cool at night 2. Don’t eat anything two hours before you sleep 3. Take your phone out of the bedroom 4. Remove all light one hour before you go to sleep 5. Don’t take your stress and problems to the bed; think about relaxing things 6. Use a diffuser; lavender has been known to aid sleep as well as tea tree oil. And lastly 7. Stop thinking so much! Just take deep breaths and relax.
How To Make The Most Of What You Got
So you only have an inch or so article to work with but an open space that needs filler. You’re worried, societal norms tell you its embarrassing to only have this much and its even worse yet if you can’t satisfy it. Well let me tell you, you are not a lost cause, There are lots of options to fill space and make some things appear bigger when clearly they are not.
First you need to trim. Get rid of all the excess stuff you don’t need that is making your article look smaller than it needs to be. I’m not saying remove everything but something’s are not helping you.
Second you need pictures at just the right angles. Angles of images are everything. Ever notice when you look down on something its generally small but when your looking up at something we consider it big? Find that perfect angle.
Finally just be confident. No one will notice how small it is if you just play it off or own up to it. So what its small? Its yours and you are wonderful. Life is too short to get caught up on the little things.
Quintilius
Dear Quintilius,
My partner thinks I’m cheating on them all because of one little incident where I had a friend over and we were both naked. How can I help them change their mind about me?
Sincerely, Not A Cheater
Dear Epitome Of Fidelity,
You obviously seem like a genuine person from the 30 words you sent me so I will offer you my best advice. It will be a step by step process to make sure you retain your partner and don’t lose them because of a one time party in your birthday suit. However this advice will only work if your partner is an idiot, which because they doubted you the first time I'm inclined to believe they’re not. But best of luck.
Alright the first thing you have to do is not get caught naked, half naked or even partially naked when around anyone other than your partner. This isn't ancient Gaul and you’re not some germanic warrior trying to frighten their opponents. You must control yourself and resist the urge to strip, even if you feel it is your calling.
Next do not lie or mislead your partner in any which way. As soon as little doubts and deceptions start taking place it is easy for assumptions to be made. Some partners have been hurt in past relationships or felt betrayed by close friends. They are counting on you and offering vulnerability by opening themselves up to you to be in a relationship. Don’t destroy their trust.
Final thing to do is realize that trust takes time to build. When trust tries to be founded on thin ice it will often break through and leave every feeling cold and miserable. You need a solid foundation to build on and if you currently do not have that foundation, you need to find it first and foremost. Whether thats through opening up about your feelings or putting some distance between you and your friends you hang around naked with, somethings to be done.
All Salute The Eternal City,
Qunitilius of Rome
Quintilius
Dear Quintilius,
What should I name my Guinea Pig? He is a male, is not very sociable and appears to do nothing besides nap and eat.
Sincerely, Names Are Hard
Dear Names,
Your description sounds like you are describing a boyfriend.
Well I guess depending on your intentions with this little fury creature, whether you decide to eat him right away or not, might I recommend some badass names. First of all would be (obviously) Romulus. You know the King of Kings, founder of the worlds greatest city and destroyer of brothers. I think Romulus would be a very strong name for you Guinea pig, maybe even perk him up to do more and better now that he has a cool name. I was going to suggest Gaius or Julius but he ends up with a bunch of blades in him and we don't want to forewarn the pet/meal of his future fate, too much foreshadowing.
Second name would be Augustus or Octavian, the first true emperor of Rome. Now keeping that in mind to achieve this level of name your guinea pig would have to win a civil war, be the reason for the death of an Egyptian queen and murder a nephew. I know its not impossible, seeing as it was done before, however it can be tedious and time consuming. Also another requirement is the loss of an entire legion in Teutoberg forest. And I don't just mean like this legion gets lost while going for a walk, I mean they lose everyone in an ambush. Difficult to pull off but if you know of any traitorous germans, it can be far more achievable.
For the third name i’m going to suggest something a little less ancient roman and more adorable. Guacamole. Names of food or objects on living creatures are almost always just wonderful. Think of ‘Socks’ the cat or ‘Pepper” the dog, ‘Ground beef’ the legless cow. All super adorable names.
Now I know it may be difficult to choose one name but at the end of the day just remember, you are going to long outlive this animal anyways and really they don't speak english sooo… ya. Best of luck.