(This article was written for The Quill’s April Fool’s Day edition, The Swill, and is therefore entirely fictitious in its content.)
2013 has certainly been a thrill ride for BU students. From a student reportedly considered to be a front-runner for Pope, to BUSU’s Carissa Taylor saving the dean of science from a near-fatal grizzly bear attack, and to Charlie Biggs’ Chicken ‘N’ Sauce being declared one of the top ten restaurants in Canada, much has transpired for us to think about.
Perhaps it the sheer awesomeness of all these achievements which resulted in our finally being noticed by the public, or maybe it was the collective 4.0 grade point average held by the student body, but either way, we were given the recognition we deserved: a tenth place finish, according to this year’s rankings in Maclean’s magazine.
We were narrowly beaten out by Acadia, Mount Allison, UNBC, Lethbridge, Queen’s, Toronto, McGill, Simon Fraser, and Dalhousie, but Brandon University was nonetheless able to secure a coveted spot among Canada’s most elite centers of secondary education.
“We simply had to acknowledge the success that they [Brandon University] have been having,” says a representative of the digest in an interview. “There was a significant growth to an eighty percent graduation rate, with a ninety percent chance of employment upon graduation. As far as secondary education goes, this school is among the cream of the crop.”
One might think that, with such a glowing review, our collective campus ego would grow a big head; that appears not to be the case.
“We’re very content about our placement on the list; it’s perfect really,” stated Dr. Deborah Poff, the President and Vice-Chancellor. “It shows the other universities our status and determination, but also shows that we know we need to keep improving: we need to be modest.”
Dr. Deborah Poff is not the only one to vouch for the school’s strong foundation and merit. “It’s like I said when I gave my speech at the Golden Globes: you have to work hard for quality, and then be quality,” says BUSU President Carissa Taylor. “I use that all the time: when I fought that bear for instance. He thought he was good, but I was better. And when he thought I was down, I snuck up on him and knocked him out, and then I made sure he got proper treatment. That’s just the BU way, I suppose.”
Such success is a balm for the soul, hot on the heels of last year’s strike. Not so long ago, Brandon’s finest university was truly in one of the lowest points of its existence: eleventh place.
“It was just like, ‘whatever’,” a random student on her way to class commented.
“It really was a hard year,” said another student, from the fine arts department. “I was stressed; I couldn’t get motivated; my grades were at an all time low. I was considering transferring to a lesser school as an act of rebellion, like Harvard or something.”
We at the Swill are in agreement with the sentiments all around: this new verdict on BU’s splendour could not come at a better time.
The increase in BU’s graduation rate and a higher level of achieved excellence are not the only things getting noticed. It is also possible that the recent trips made by BU nursing graduates to war-torn countries, a first-year’s painting of a puppy in a bed of flowers being purchased for the home of former Canadian politician Stockwell Day, and the discussions over the addition of a law school may have affected the decision to bump BU into the top ten.
Dr. Poff says, however, that while the school has achieved a certain level of respect, there is still further to push. “I’m thinking we can hit [number] nine,” she states with a smile, “just to really scare the heck out of those guys; let them know you can’t count us out!”
Congratulations are in order for a simply amazing year of rigorous scholastic and artistic endeavors. May we all continue this wonderful trend of working hard and shooting for that coveted number nine.
Republished from The Swill print edition, Volume 103, Issue 27, April 2, 2013.