7:00 am: Cupid is awakened from deep slumber by his iPhone alarm blasting Do You Believe in Life After Love. Cupid cries because he is an infant and has not yet learned to express emotions through language. Also because Cher’s voice is ethereal.
8:00 am: Workout. It’s arm day followed by a kale smoothie, without sweet biceps, Cupid cannot accurately fire arrows at unsuspecting passersby/soon to be lovers.
9:00 am: To the walk-in closet to pick an outfit. Cupid’s options consist of silk garments of varying lengths. Fuchsia sequins, because today is Valentine’s Day.
10:00 am: Cupid drives to the office via Herbie, the Love Bug. Love these days is mostly an office job; Cupid used to travel for work but now most people just use the internet.
11:00 am: Cupid chooses the couples that will fall in love today. Wendy will fall in love with Harold; Cupid decides this based on the amount of time Wendy spent looking at Harold’s Tinder profile and her subsequent searches of him on Google. Kris will fall in love with Eleanor; Cupid decides this based on how long it took Kris to scroll back 3 years through Eleanor’s Instagram pictures. Alex will fall in love with Bob; Cupid decides this based on the fact that Alex just accidentally sent Bob a screenshot of Bob’s alluring profile picture instead of a screenshot of a funny cat.
12:00 pm: Lunch is purée quinoa and peas. Cupid scrolls through Instagram, his cousin Puck has accidentally broken a relationship and replaced one partners head with that of a donkey. Again.
1:00 pm: Cupid files his paperwork. This requires review of the relationships he has bludgeoned into being with his bow; to ensure compatibility. He does this by analyzing their Facebook profiles. Of course, Cupid is still an infant and really has no concept of romantic compatibility.
2:00 pm: Cupid leaves the office to seek out Wendy, Kris and Alex.
2:30 pm: Cupid successfully pierces Wendy with the arrow in the leg right before seeing Harold and causes her to fall down the stairs in front of him. Perfect shot!
3:00 pm: Kris is in the library scrolling through Eleanor’s pictures for the umpteenth time. Cupid shoots the arrow right into her hand. The big red heart appears indicating Kris has just liked Eleanor’s selfie from Mexico 2011. Like!
3:30 pm: Alex is really nervous because he can see Bob coming over to chat with him, Alex won’t stop fidgeting and it’s really messing with Cupid’s aim. Sometimes if Cupid cannot hit the target using the arrow, he can use other means. So Cupid uses his power to project himself into the mind of the bird flying overhead, he successfully hits his target, Alex, on the shoulder with excretion right before Bob approaches. Bullseye!
4:00 pm: Cupid officiates today’s couples. He carves their initials into various surfaces, trees, bathroom stalls, locks on bridges with no keys and such. This makes the relationships permanent forever. Until they are reviewed by the Relationship Review Board every 5 to 10 years, where about 50% of the pairs will be deemed “a mistake from the beginning” and sent to the Marital Dissolution Factory.
5:30 pm: Cupid and Herbie open a bottle of red to commemorate the end of a triumphant Valentine’s Day.
8:00pm Cupid goes to bed and sleeps like a baby knowing his job is done and it is the lovers whose work begins now.
Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 22, February 14th, 2017.