Woah there Casanova, did you forget an important date? Did you perchance royally mess up and forget what today is? (If the day you are reading this is not the right day, please read this article again on that day.) That’s right, it is that special lovers’ day and you have nothing to cover your ass with because you, in your ignorance/absentmindedness, completely forgot. Well, have no fear, I have carefully compiled a list of great last minute date ideas which will surely save your relationship and get you that special loving embrace at the end of the night. (Ideas and acceptability of these dates may have mixed results.)

First and foremost on the list is taking that special person to a petting zoo. But oh-ho, that’s not all. You don’t want to make this moment just fade away and be forgettable. You have to go over the top to impress this person, truly show your love for them. You have to wrangle and then steal a goat. Guaranteed to get you some quality bonding time with your partner, and now you have both a great story and a free goat. Win-Win-Win.

Goats not really your style? Perhaps you’re more of the practical type. Maybe you want to kill two birds with one stone? Impress that special person with your wily sensibility and responsible decision making. Well this next date on the list is sure to satisfy both of the most important pieces of your life. Get an oil change! No, this is not some sort of sexual euphemism, your car badly needs one. Not only that, but think about how caring you appear: you care enough about this lover to introduce them to your mechanic! Now that’s thoughtful and won’t seem last minute at all.

For those of you who already know your partner is a pet lover, then this next option is for you. Go down to an animal shelter and spend the day there. But don’t just waste the day playing with cute puppies and kittens, instead help shave homeless cats. Not only will you two feel fulfilled but it will give you guys valuable volunteer hours. Besides, everyone knows cats look much better shaved. If none of these last minute date ideas can say desperate, then try one or two more of these:

Head to the strip club, nothing says low self esteem and the feeling of dead inside like hey these are my money makers (I’m talking about the booty and dem abs.)
Go to book signing for Edgar Allan Poe.
Get them to meet your family. Nothing says “please stay with me” like spending time with your mom and dad.
Attend a funeral then walk through a cemetery, picking out matching tombstones can never come too early.
Horse hunting, getting rid of those pesky vermin on farmers’ land, the whole community will feel safer.
Put wigs on ducks and have fashion show. Catching them is only half the fun.
Attend a blood sacrifice or virgin vs volcano ritual, both are sure to get the bloodpumping and heat flowing between you.
Go to a fertility ceremony. Who doesn’t like having their genitals compared to seeds and soil?

Or just a wild and crazy thought you could tell that special person you love them, compliment them on their looks, take a general interest in their lives and be a genuinely decent partner. But hey, who am I to judge? Any of these last minute date ideas are sure to impress if not maim or seriously emotionally scar that special someone.

Republished from The Quill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 22, February 14th, 2017.