The Apocalypse Survival Guide for Residence

(Credit: Krista Murray/The Quill)

This is it… the darkest of days are here. Before you start carving your tombstone, best consider your chances of survival since you live in Residence. Let’s view your potential situations here, matched up against your greatest concern for survival.

Nuclear Apocalypse: Between radiation poisoning of livestock, contamination of water sources and the possibility of a nuclear winter, food will be your major concern. There’s no convenience store within less than a risky ten minute walk from your building entrance, not that it matters, since as a broke student you couldn’t hope to barter over inflated prices. Luckily, you are less than a three minute running distance from the Cafeteria, completely unexposed to the elements. Unfortunately, the only non perishable food items you can get your hands on are some bottles of soda, bags of chips, and the value lunch Turkey Schnitzel. Your starving fellow residents eventually resort to cannibalism, and your sugar rush just isn’t enough to keep you out of their reach. You die.

Zombie Apocalypse: The concern is obviously staying safe from the hordes of zombies. The outbreak hit so fast that there was only just enough time to lock down the Campus Buildings connected to Residence. Which is approximately half the Campus, so that’s pretty good. While the students in the science faculty hastily research a cure from the Brodie Building, you are tasked with taking turns securing the barricades and occasionally running trips through town to find resources. Eventually, someone falls asleep on the job, and zombies find their way in. Quickly taking refuge in your dorm, you hear your friends’ screams of terror as they are devoured by zombies, because the walls in the building don’t keep out any of the noise. When the zombies finally break down your door, you wish the Residence Agreement didn’t prohibit all the things that you could have used to defend yourself with. You die.

Doomsday Apocalypse: Not sure there are any concerns here. The four horseman of the apocalypse don’t scare you, you’ve already survived four much more frightening and soul destroying ordeals. 1. The fire alarm going off at 3:00am the night before you have two final exams. 2. The Cafeteria being closed at 9:00pm on a Friday when you have nothing else to eat after sleeping all day. 3. Your roommate’s half eaten food that you swear you saw moving by themselves. 4. Not being able to tell what is splattered all over the toilet/sink in the shared washroom, but using it anyways. You figure there must be a portal to hell in Darrach Hall’s Basement, which explains why all the doors are locked. You continue with your studies, and graduate with a student debt amounting to your soul, which you are never able to repay. You work until the world falls apart. You die.

Republished from The Swill print edition, Volume 107, Issue 27, March 28, 2017.