So you managed to find yourself a Valentine’s date. Lucky you, those of us who are stuck at home going over our lab report to make sure that we really did find all the parasites in that fecal smear congratulate you. Oh, but perhaps you don’t know what to do now that you’ve tricked someone into going out with you. Well, here is what I’d do, should I ever build the courage to ask that brunette beauty out on a date.

You have to start it out right, take her dancing. No, not the kind where you jump up and down like a spastic ape to a deafening cacophony of bad music. I’m talking abou taking her to a ritual and historical dance. One where there is an apple slice under her armpit and the male eats it afterwards to prove his love, just like they did in old-fashioned rural Austria.

After getting to know each other and multiple sweaty apples have been consumed you can get more intimate. Spend the night together in a bed, each tightly wrapped in separate blankets and divided by a bundling board. All under the supervision of your parents of course. Seems weird? No, not at all, “Bundling” was common practice in colonial America.

In the future you ask? How will dating and courtship change by 2075CE? Well, imagine far more pieces of German memoribilia and everyone dressed in the Schwarz-Rot-Gold. After that imagine everyone singing in harmony to the classical music of  Johann  or Ludwig. Wow, dates will be so much more romantic then.

Well, you’re not going to get any more of my good advice for free. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my parasitical shit stain.