A fictional piece by James Waugh
Missed the first part of the story? You can read it in Issue 5!
April 23, 2006
Dear Jess,
Last night was our first night home from the hospital. I haven’t slept since before I went into labour. I haven’t eaten either, but my appetite hasn’t returned yet. Michael almost never puts Rosemary down and I don’t mind, I’m so exhausted that I’m scared I’d drop her. I hardly ever hold her except to feed her, I can’t handle it for much longer than that. I just get this pit in my stomach when I look at her. God, that’s an awful thing to say, but it’s true. She’s so small and delicate and beautiful and I know she’s a blessing but when she grabs my finger with her tiny hand it feels like I’m being choked. I feel a dread so deep I forget how to breathe. I don’t know how to tell Michael. He’s on cloud 9 right now, I don’t think anything I could say would bring him down.
I’m writing this at 2 am because every time I feel myself drifting off, I jerk myself awake again. If not that, it’s Rosemary crying. Michael always gets up, he says I need to stay off my feet. Even when I tell him I’ve been lying awake and volunteer to fight all my instincts and check on her, he insists on checking on her. I can’t describe how thankful I am that he feels this connection. One of us has to. I’m still in a lot of pain. I have a year’s supply of pain meds, but I don’t like how they make me feel so I use them sparingly. I took these when I had my wisdom teeth taken out and they did the same thing back then. They give me horrible dreams. I’m always fighting with someone I love. Usually in a shopping centre. Occasionally the monkeys from The Wizard of Oz are there. My own personal hell.
I told Michael that I think there’s something wrong with my stitches. He seemed concerned, but he suggested it’s best that I just stay off my feet and heal for a bit longer. I suppose it’s been less than 48 hours, so maybe I’m being too quick to judge, but I’m really starting to get nervous. Do you think it’s too early to go back to the doctor? I’ll ask Michael what he thinks in the morning. I can hear him coming back to bed. Goodnight Jess.
I love you,
Agnes
April 23, 2006
Oh Aggie,
Don’t use your computer that late at night, it’s bad for your eyes! You poor soul, have you tried passionflower and skullcap? It’s all natural so it shouldn’t give you any problems. If that doesn’t work, just pop a valium, that should knock you out. You did ask for valium, right? To share with your cool sister? What are your pills called, anyways? I’ll Google them at the library next time I drop off my books, maybe they’re interacting with something else you take. What meds have you been on since getting your wisdom teeth out? I don’t think it’s too early to go to the doctor, but I also think Michael has a point about staying off your feet. Maybe you can get your OB on the phone and chat about it. You know how I feel about hospitals. If I were you, I wouldn’t go unless I was bleeding out. Maybe you’d feel better if you ate something. I’m sure you don’t even want to think about it, but I’m sure it will help. You can’t heal on an empty stomach!
I’m so glad Michael is there for you. He’s always been so kind and helpful, I can’t imagine you having a child with anyone else. Have you told him about your dreams? Maybe if you talk about them, you won’t feel as scared when they happen. I write my dreams down as soon as I wake up. Sometimes they’re too good to forget, but when they’re bad, I write them down so I can get it out of my head for the day. Maybe I’ll buy you a journal for Christmas instead, a nice leather-bound one, like Dad’s. I’m surprised Michael has been sleeping at all, I know how excited he must be to finally be a dad! It seems like this was his primary goal in life, it’s no wonder he wants to spend so much time with her. If you truly feel that strongly about not being around Rosemary, I think it’s best for Michael to take the lead with her right now. Once you finally get some sleep and start to recuperate, you’ll start to see Rosemary differently. It’s okay that you're feeling this way Aggie, lots of women go through this kind of stuff. You can reach out to your doctor if you ever need help. Plus, you know Michael and I will always be here.
Much love,
Jessica