Dear Quintilius,

What should I name my Guinea Pig? He is a male, is not very sociable and appears to do nothing besides nap and eat.

Sincerely, Names Are Hard


Dear Names,

Your description sounds like you are describing a boyfriend. 

Well I guess depending on your intentions with this little fury creature, whether you decide to eat him right away or not, might I recommend some badass names. First of all would be (obviously) Romulus. You know the King of Kings, founder of the worlds greatest city and destroyer of brothers. I think Romulus would be a very strong name for you Guinea pig, maybe even perk him up to do more and better now that he has a cool name. I was going to suggest Gaius or Julius but he ends up with a bunch of blades in him and we don't want to forewarn the pet/meal of his future fate, too much foreshadowing.

Second name would be Augustus or Octavian, the first true emperor of Rome. Now keeping that in mind to achieve this level of name your guinea pig would have to win a civil war, be the reason for the death of an Egyptian queen and murder a nephew. I know its not impossible, seeing as it was done before, however it can be tedious and time consuming. Also another requirement is the loss of an entire legion in Teutoberg forest. And I don't just mean like this legion gets lost while going for a walk, I mean they lose everyone in an ambush. Difficult to pull off but if you know of any traitorous germans, it can be far more achievable.

For the third name i’m going to suggest something a little less ancient roman and more adorable. Guacamole. Names of food or objects on living creatures are almost always just wonderful. Think of ‘Socks’ the cat or ‘Pepper” the dog, ‘Ground beef’ the legless cow. All super adorable names. 

Now I know it may be difficult to choose one name but at the end of the day just remember, you are going to long outlive this animal anyways and really they don't speak english sooo… ya. Best of luck.